There are some people in the world who are inclined to produce the downfall of humanity by adding more people to the planet. We call these people "breeders". My wife (and even my own parents) is one of these people.
There is another group of people who recognize that almost every problem on this planet is in one way or another dervied from over-population. These people are the "Guardians of all that is Right and Just". I am one of these people.
So I am beginning to realize that the "breeders" can trick us Guardians by making all sorts of lies about birth control and sterility and we'd fall to their lies. To avoid this type of deceipt I've done some extensive research (i.e., I googled a couple of mildly related sites) to generate this simple guide to produce your own male infertility:
1) Start smoking. Yes I mean it. And I'm not talking about 1 or 2 cigarretes. Research indicates you need at least 20 cigarettes a day so dig out that lighter and get going, turkey! Remember, this is for the betterment of our planet.
2) Excessive alcohol consumption? Do you find yourself wanting a drink before noon? Well you better. How else are you going to get through that 6-pack before your next office meeting?
3) Heat. Time to pick up some boy's size speedos. Why not take a scalding hot bath every evening? And who thought thong underwear only looked good on women? Going commando? Not anymore. Now you're holding them prisoner.
4) Frequent intercourse. I'm not talking 3-4 a week. 3-4 times a day or even per hour. Yes, it may require some help from some outsiders and you may lose your house in the divorce but that's a small price to pay for knowing you helped to stop the total annihilation of earth.
5) Workaholic. Look your wife already left you and you're life has totally gone in the crapper. You might as well entirely give up on living a worthwile life and start working those 100-hour work weeks. Vacation and fun is for breeders.
Yes, I know it's asking for a lot but it's worth it to the see the tears in your wife's eyes when she still isn't pregnant as she drops you off at a detox center. Good for you!
"Vacation and fun is for breeders"?!?!?!
ReplyDeleteWhy don't you try a more convincing argument that you can barely take kids shopping for milk, much less a vacation! Plus, after feeding, clothing, transporting and educating children, you're best vacation you're looking at is either at the in-laws or the Motel 6 in Reston.
Pina coladas become only a faint memory after having children! But, they're totally worth it brother!